Self-help program
11. Learn the skill of listening
If listening is difficult, important information may be missed. The content of a lecture or work meeting may remain unclear, or you might miss what is said at a parent meeting. Sometimes you may only realize afterward that you did not fully absorb what you heard.
Difficulty concentrating may appear to others as absent-mindedness, fidgeting, or clumsy interruptions. Interjecting may be interpreted as a lack of interest or respect. This can lead to misunderstandings and hurt feelings.
It’s also useful to apply general focus-helping strategies during conversations or lectures. Pick the tips below that suit you best.
Remember
Bring up your difficulty concentrating with the person you’re talking to when necessary.
Exercise: Reflective listening
Why?
Listening is something that can be practiced. If one-on-one conversations remain difficult despite using tips, try practicing reflective listening.
It helps you focus better on what the other person is saying.
Reflective listening
Reflective listening means expressing the content of the other person’s message in your own words. It’s easier to concentrate on listening when you know you will need to summarize what you hear.
Repeating back what was said gives the other person a sense that you truly heard them and that you care about what they said. This method can be used with both adults and children. It can work for daily routines, school, or work.
Reflective listening may require some practice at first, but with repetition, it will begin to feel more natural from both perspectives.
How?
Steps
- Listen to what is being said to you.
- When it’s your turn to speak, begin by repeating what you understood the other person has just said. Pick out a couple of the most important points and express them in your own words.
- Start your sentence, for example, with: “Did I understand correctly that…”
- “Do you mean that…” or
- “So, you think that…”
Listen to any corrections, then continue the conversation in the direction you want. Be prepared to soon repeat back what you hear again.
Note
- Try and practice the technique deliberately at first. You can start, for example, with a family member by taking turns reflecting each other’s messages at the right moments.
- Reflective listening isn’t meant to be used all the time and everywhere. Once you have learned the technique, you can use it when you find it helpful—especially when concentrating feels particularly difficult.
- At first, it may feel tempting to interrupt the other person with a reflective comment in order to say your piece. Be patient. Interruptions are easily experienced as disrespectful. Wait until there is a natural pause or a change of turn in the conversation.
Example conversation 1
- We should have a performance review sometime soon. Things are really busy right now. At the same time, we need to prepare both the interim report and the action plan. The calendar is always completely full at this time of year, isn’t it? But this is important too… What do you think?
- You said we should schedule the performance review and that it’s important. I agree. I also have a lot going on, but let’s definitely put a date in the diary.
- Absolutely. Would … work for you?
Example conversation 2
- I saw Matti yesterday. He seemed kind of sad. I couldn’t figure out what was bothering him. He just snapped at me and soon withdrew on his own. I’m worried and don’t know what to do. Are you even listening to me?
- I was listening. It’s hard for me to sit still, that’s why I was fidgeting at the same time. So, you think Matti might really be in trouble. No wonder you’re worried. Let’s think about options together.
Tips for listening
Can you move?
- Could you do something with your hands while listening?
- Could you stand?
- Could you have a walking meeting? However, make sure your walking and the sound of your meeting don’t disturb others.
- Sometimes it’s necessary to explain to others that doing something helps your concentration. This may be the case, for example, if doodling in a meeting is interpreted as lack of interest.
Consider the setting
- What kind of place in a meeting room or lecture hall suits you best? Many people concentrate best in the front row. Others consider being near an exit important.
- If you can, change the lighting, temperature, and noise level. If a flickering fluorescent light or the sounds of someone next to you distract you, move seats.
- Avoid having important conversations when you’re busy moving from one place or activity to another or in crowded environments.
Make use of recordings
- Ask whether you can get a recording of a lecture or training session. This allows you to review difficult or missed parts afterward.
- At the beginning of important conversations, ask if you can, for example, record the discussion yourself.
Look at nonverbal messages
- Be aware of where your gaze wanders and what your hands are doing. What do others see, and what might they conclude from it?
- Keep your attention on the speaker by observing their body language, facial expressions, and tone of voice. What might they be feeling and truly trying to communicate?
How to act if you feel very restless?
If calming yourself feels impossible and restlessness is severe, it’s especially useful to practice the following:
Explain your concentration difficulties
If you feel your concentration weakening during a one-on-one conversation, you can say so. If the situation allows, ask whether the conversation could continue at a better time.
“Could we continue at a calmer time? I’d like to be able to focus on this better than I can right now. Shall we schedule a new time right away?”
If the other person seems confused or annoyed, you can ask whether they felt bothered by your behavior. At the same time, you can explain the situation from your perspective:
“Did I offend you? Because of my difficulty concentrating, I may seem uninterested, but that’s not the case.”
Apologize if you need to
Even though the difficulty concentrating isn’t your fault, it’s good to apologize for any conflicts it may cause.
The other person may feel relieved to hear that your behavior was not due to them or the topic. This can significantly affect how others perceive you.
For example, you could say:
“I’m sorry. I was so excited about the topic that I talked over you,” or
“I find it difficult to sit still and maintain eye contact. Please let me know if my restlessness bothers you.”
Give your hands something to do
Sometimes motor restlessness can be eased by doing something small with your hands. This might include doodling on paper or handling a small object—rolling, squeezing, or fidgeting with it. When you channel your activity into hand movement, it may be easier to settle down and listen.
For a lecture or meeting, choose as quiet an object as you can so it doesn’t disturb others. A fidget tool doesn’t have to cost money—something like a rubber band or a piece of putty can also work.
In the following video (0:56), people with difficulty concentrating share which kinds of objects have helped them.